Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
