You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
two words: eviction party
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
