Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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