dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
