i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
