I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
