Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
