How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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