The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
