I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
