My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
