At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
