I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
