im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
