I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
