Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
