Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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