she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
