Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
