I think my vagina is haunted
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
