If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
