How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
