god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
