Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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