I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I FOUND THE LEGS
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
