My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
