woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
