Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
