Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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