I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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