Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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