New low: just hacked my moms facebook
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
