you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
