pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
