Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
and she was petting her beer can
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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