He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
