Apparently you make a good broom.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
