A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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