No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
