OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
