life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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