i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just had sex on a roof
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
