If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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