What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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