I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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