I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I haven't been this sober since birth.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
