things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
