That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
