your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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