Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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