You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You're like the curious george of whores
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
