I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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